site.btaMothers Increasingly Left without Social Support, Psychologist Warns

Social support for mothers has become increasingly scarce in modern society, health psychologist Mina Uzanicheva told BTA’s Ekaterina Toteva and Valeria Dimitrova on Saturday. BTA spoke to Uzanicheva after the death of an eight-year-old child in Nessebar, which prompted significant reaction across social media platforms.

It is often easiest to place the blame on the mother, Uzanicheva said. She believes that women today are more pressured than ever to be perfect at everything, and to do so without the necessary support and help from relatives and society. Uzanicheva said that the bonds between people are gradually disintegrating, leaving mothers increasingly isolated and unused to seeking help, no longer believing they will receive it in times of need.

According to Uzanicheva, mothers consistently aim to provide the best for their children, often exceeding their own expectations. However, societal demands placed on mothers can be overwhelming, she added.

She discussed parental burnout, which has been identified as a distinct condition only in the past nine years, as well as maternal anxiety, the media portrayal of woman as goddesses, and the ways in which a still-patriarchal society expects more from women than it gives in return.

The Undisputed Importance of Mothers

The role of a mother is arguably the most demanding in a woman’s life, as it involves giving birth, raising, and educating another person. A woman is no longer responsible only for herself, but also for someone who relies on her completely. This understanding can cause considerable stress and may result in significant personal crises, Uzanicheva said.

She maintained that a mother is central not only to a child’s physical growth but also to their emotional and social development, laying the groundwork for a well-rounded, healthy, and stable personality. In this regard, the role has always been especially demanding, Uzanicheva noted.

"Many people claim that mothers today have a much easier time thanks to modern conveniences such as automatic washing machines, tumble dryers, disposable diapers, dishwashers, robotic vacuum cleaners, and numerous other technological innovations that simplify childcare and household chores. In the past, our grandmothers washed cloth diapers by hand, and not long ago, many homes lacked running water". Given these advances, Uzanicheva noted, modern homemakers cannot complain about comfort.

However, she believes the most crucial factor is increasingly absent in today’s society: social support and immediate access to reliable individuals. More mothers are left to care for their children alone, while in the recent past, new mothers could depend on their extended families for assistance, Uzanicheva said.

“Many people remember spending summers at their grandparents’ house, but increasingly, people argue that no one is responsible for taking care of other people’s children,” she observed. Uzanicheva agrees to some extent but points out that humans are inherently social. A child’s need for interaction with relatives is significant, as is the relatives’ desire to connect with the child. These bonds are slowly weakening, leading individuals to feel increasingly isolated and overwhelmed by the demands of a busy life, she noted.

She observes that people, and mothers especially, are increasingly lonely and isolated, even from family members. They have fewer friends, spend more time confined at home, are unaccustomed to seeking support, and are uncertain whether help would be available if needed.

The Modern Mother: Mastering the Balance Between Fitness, Raising a Gifted Child, and More

According to Uzanicheva, modern mothers face additional expectations beyond raising and educating their children. Television and social media portray women who not only care for their kids but also maintain personal grooming, participate in fitness activities like gym or pilates, prepare gourmet meals for their partners, and have children who excel in academics, arts, and sports, such as speaking several languages, playing the piano, acting, and winning sports competitions, she explained.

Uzanicheva observes that these images have become so widespread they are often seen as the norm, though it is important to recognize how media can misrepresent reality. Women face increasing pressure to achieve perfection in all areas, often without essential support from family and society. However, this expectation is unrealistic, she noted.

"The sooner a mother recognizes that media images are unrealistic and distorted, showing only a partial reality, the more easily she can free herself from society’s overwhelming expectations and begin living for herself, her child, and her family, making life lighter and more enjoyable," she added.

On Parental Burnout

Mothers are often expected to excel in all areas: childcare, family responsibilities, household tasks, and personal appearance. However, according to Uzanicheva, achieving perfection in every aspect is unrealistic.

"Especially when it comes to their children, I firmly believe that every mother is willing and strives to do her very best, even going beyond her limits. However, striving for perfection requires immense energy and effort, and when results fall short, it can lead to significant disappointment."

Uzanicheva noted that such persistent aspirations can significantly increase the risk of parental burnout, especially when unexpected challenges occur and adequate social support is lacking.

Parental burnout is characterized by exhaustion from parenting, reduced ability to provide adequate care, reluctance toward the parental role, and emotional distancing from the child, according to Uzanicheva. This experience is distressing for both the parent and the child. Unlike professional burnout, which can sometimes be addressed by changing jobs, there is no option to stop being a parent, she noted.

She noted that psychologists have only recently begun to address this condition, but in the nine years it has been studied, research has shown parental burnout to occur far more often among mothers than fathers. Burnout is in fact a defence mechanism, tending to arise in those who are highly invested in the parental role. The demands exhaust them, so to preserve themselves emotionally, they detach internally, she said.

Uzanicheva noted that social support is essential for preventing these conditions but has become increasingly scarce in society.

Maternal Anxiety and Its Outcomes

Mothers often worry that something might go wrong, a concern intensified by the constant stream of negative news about illnesses, accidents, and challenges faced by children, Uzanicheva observed.

"I remember when I was pregnant, I read about a child who had fallen from an upper-floor window. To this day, I’m extremely cautious around open windows," she added.

In addition to their fundamental concern for their child’s physical safety, ambitious parents often impose pressure to nurture a gifted child. Competition begins early: on the playground, over which child walks or talks first, then in preschool over drawings and poems, followed by grades and awards at school. As children grow, the focus shifts to whose child is considered the most successful.

She cautioned that this dynamic often leads to anxious mothers and exhausted children, who may experience burnout from their activities even before finishing school.

A renowned Bulgarian drummer once told me that he had seen many young musicians who had participated in competitions since their first year of primary school, yet their eyes showed a profound lack of interest in music and performing. Excessive pressure can be harmful for both the child and the parent, Uzanicheva added.

She referenced a parable from Bernardo Bertolucci’s film Little Buddha: if the string is too tight, it breaks; if too loose, it produces no sound. Only a balanced approach yields effective results. She explained that maintaining balance is essential.

Why Mothers Are Blamed

"Whenever a mistake involving a child occurs, it’s easiest to blame the mother," Uzanicheva said, referring to the incident in which an eight-year-old died in Nessebar.

In the Nessebar case, the mother was with her child at the time of the tragedy, leading much of the public to immediately place blame on her. However, the real responsibility lay with the individuals and organizations responsible for maintaining the safety of the amusement ride, she explained. She does not fault a mother who accompanied her child on an amusement ride that was legally operated and approved for children of that age. "Did you notice how, following the death of the eight-year-old in Nessebar, many people criticized the mother, while very few mentioned the father's role? This reveals, albeit indirectly, the enormous responsibility society assigns to mothers in the care and protection of children," Uzanicheva said.

The accusations reflect the persistent high standards that a patriarchal society imposes on mothers, she said. She noted that fathers are not subject to the same expectations. Despite ongoing efforts to secure women's rights, women remain subordinate to men and continue to face significant demands with limited support, she added.

She observed that women continue to earn less than men and hold lower positions in the professional hierarchy.

How to Step Back from Societal Judgement

Uzanicheva notes that during challenging times in motherhood, it is important to distance oneself from others’ opinions or comments. This psychological and emotional adjustment can only be made by the individual herself, she added.

A woman who relies heavily on public opinion cannot help but be influenced by it, and therefore by societal judgement. Even if that judgement is never voiced, she will see herself through the imagined eyes of others, harshly judging herself against what she thinks society expects.

She said that it is an everyday occurrence to hear women blame themselves for not being pretty enough, slim enough, good enough as housewives and mothers, or for not giving enough to their children – comparing themselves to others.

To counteract such influence, it is essential for a woman to have a clear and realistic self-perception, both literally and metaphorically. If she possesses confidence, an objective understanding of herself and her surroundings, self-acceptance, and the ability to forgive herself for minor mistakes, public judgment becomes ineffective. However, few women manage to attain this level of self-assurance.

Most, Uzanicheva said, display excessive self-criticism rooted in childhood – from high parental or teacher expectations, constant dissatisfaction, and the sense that one must keep proving themselves to gain approval, love, and respect.

"I remember an observation by Russian psychologist and life coach Larisa Renar. She explains that boys should be raised to strive for achievement, while girls should be taught self-love. In Russia, as in Bulgaria, the opposite often happens. This leads to many men who are complacent yet less accomplished, expecting ongoing care without effort, and women who doubt their value, willing to give everything at work and at home just to earn approval and affection,” she noted.

Principles of Healthy Parenting

Love is fundamental. For emotional stability, it is essential that children grow up feeling unconditionally loved. When raised in a loving environment, children develop self-love and a positive outlook on the world, approaching life with optimism and trust rather than assuming that people are bad and the world is dangerous, Uzanicheva explained in response to a question about healthy parenting principles.

"I personally disagree with the carrot and stick method. It is important to address a child’s mistakes, but children need to feel loved by their parents even when they make errors. This is essential for developing a healthy sense of self-worth and becoming a confident, well-adjusted individual."

Uzanicheva observed that history offers numerous examples of individuals with complicated parental relationships who become overly ambitious. These individuals may achieve professional and financial success, but genuine happiness remains out of reach unless they address their unresolved traumas. Healthy emotional development occurs only in an environment of calm, unconditional love, and support, according to her.

"As for parents, they can protect themselves if they do not demand too much of themselves. Perfectionism is a sign of insecurity. One must love oneself and learn to forgive," Uzanicheva said.

She often encourages mothers who strive for perfection to let go and relax. Children can grow up happy even in homes where dusting is done only once a week and the windows aren’t spotless. However, they are sensitive to their parents’ fatigue, emotional distance, irritability, and tension, which can cause children to feel anxious and concerned.

"Allow yourself breaks; live for yourself, not for others, and set aside time just for you, even if it’s just 20 minutes for a peaceful cup of coffee," she advised.

On Online Groups and Forums

Online forums and groups often replace direct contact with close individuals. In the absence of sufficient social support and a supportive environment, people frequently turn to strangers online for assistance. Increasing real-life interactions and openness in discussing personal challenges can address this issue, particularly among mothers who spend significant time in parenting forums.

She believes in expressing concerns rather than suppressing them. “While it’s important not to burden others with constant negativity, seeking help when needed is natural, even if it’s just having someone listen with understanding,” the psychologist said.

"When we are open to sharing and willing to listen, we can count on others for support. There is a saying: if a baby does not cry, the mother will not feed it. The same applies to mothers: unless they ask for help and acknowledge their vulnerability, others will not know how to provide the support they need."

"It’s important to remember that nobody is perfect, ourselves included. When we acknowledge that we are just like everyone else, life becomes simpler and more fulfilling," she noted.

Uzanicheva described an exercise developed by psychologist Martin Seligman: each evening, write down three positive events from the day, even small moments like enjoying an ice cream or a pleasant interaction with a neighbour, and note what caused them. For example: "Today I enjoyed a peaceful cup of coffee. Why? Because my husband took care of our child for 20 minutes so I could have this time." According to her, this practice shifts one’s perspective.

Mina Uzanicheva holds a master’s degree in psychology with a specialization in Health Psychology from Sofia University St. Kliment Ohridski. Her professional interests encompass motherhood, parental burnout, anxiety, gender relations, domestic violence, victim-abuser dynamics, and personal development.